I’ve never been to a family reunon. Scratch that. I have, just when I was waiting at them as Banquet Waitstaff. My family is so widespread that it would be an expensive proposition to get us all together, as well as a monumental disaster. Why? Well, let’s take a glance at the line up.
To start with, there’s my mother’s family. My grandmother–whose been married four times–doesn’t handle crisis very well. That’s bad, considering one of her sons has a history of freak accidents, including setting his arm on fire. Her other son has had so many DWI’s that the police probably ran out of tickets. He’d demand beer the at gathering. Then there are my mom’s sisters. One of them is severely Autistic in addition to being bipolar. The other is a grudge holder who despises my mother for opportunities that she herself did not get as a child–owning a horse is one I’ve repeatedly heard. And that isn’t even taking into account my grandfather who is still amongst the living. He loves talking, saying ‘Much money, Little Work’ in spanish to anyone who’ll listen, and is divorced from my grandmother for reasons that were never explained to me.
Then, there’s my dad’s side of the family. His father–much to my shocking discovery–is just like him. A highly intelligent, serious man, who’s warped humor is incredibly embarrassing to any relation in his vicinity. He once walked through a produce isle, wearing a Veggie Tales t-shirt while singing the theme song, my teenage aunt in tow. My grandmother is a menace to herself and anyone around her when she’s near anything with wheels, and not just a car. This is a woman who once fell head first into a garbage can and drove her sons bike into a car while riding it down a wide open road. On the other hand, she’s a crocheting guru who can make anything, even converse sneakers that fit your feet. My father has two siblings. His sister has so many kids that we referred to her clan as the Brady Bunch and suggested–in private conversation–that they start their own soccer team. My uncle is the closest thing to normal that we have. For the longest time we’d pegged him as the lone bachelor of the family and figured it would stay that way. That is, until he got married last year.
Now sit there and think. Take all these people, put them in together in a room, and what do you think will happen. Good times? Kumbaya? An awesome party? Let me put it this way. Take every explosive/reactive element on the periodic table, dump them in the same container, and view the result from a long way away. It would probably be prettier. And that’s before you even factor in my immediate family, including yours truly.
It’s a fun thing to chuckle over, even if it might not be as bad as that. Regardless of what would happen if we all congregated in the same spot, I have to admit one thing.
My family is anything, but boring.
Disclaimer: I do not own the imagery used in this blog post and have no artistic claim to it.